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October 28, 2010

Getting Ready for Pinferno V

Sip slowly, Dear Reader;

It is that time of year again.  The time of year for the third Pinferno of the year, to be exact.  Pinferno is a competition of pinball players from around the entire world, and by world I mean mostly New Jersey, and also some guys from Brooklyn, usually.  And you know how the saying goes;

"Nobody Knows Brooklyn, Because Brooklyn Is The World!"

I take it back, you did not know that saying.  Let's move on.

More about Pinferno; each contestant plays his or her pinball-loving heart out for six long hours, hoping just to make it to the finals.  A brief pause at 6pm allows time for sobriety tests to be administered and anyone with a blood alcohol content below 0.08 is politely asked to take their business elsewhere.  The remaining finalists then stand about watching Sean Grant make sweet, sweet love to Doctor Who as if this were some post-nuclear scenario where there are only pinball machines left, and well, if Sean is going to get it on with a pinball machine it is sure as shit going to be Doctor Who...  "That poor, defenseless pinball machine!" we all silently exclaim to ourselves, not wanting to hurt Sean's feelings.  The process is awkward to witness, but it is also a necessary part of the Pinferno Mating Ritual slash Life Cycle slash If The Police Raid Were To Happen Right Now That Would Be Even More Difficult To Explain Than Usual But Hopefully They Might At Least Forget To Search Peace...


Besides this, what can I say about Pinferno that has not been said before?  Let's try a few;

"Pinferno will not cause Elephantiasis of any part of the body (except perhaps the liver area, slightly)."

True, this has not been said before about Pinferno.  And another;

"If you were to stack all 32 Pinferno contestants end-to-end, how frickin' weird would that be?  It just seems unnecessary.  Why would you even think of doing that?  More importantly, would it make for good television?  How about Japanese television?  I am authorized to sell the broadcast rights at a substantial discount, if it will bring us closer to a deal today.  We may choose to incorporate Snapple(tm) and/or Cialis(tm) directly into the plot line to sweeten the deal even further."

Yes, these are unusual things to say about Pinferno, indeed.  Dare we tread further?

"Pinferno is melancholy.  But it is also the antidote to melancholy.  Thus Pinferno is the absinthe of the pinball art form.  No wonder we are all so addicted to it.  No wonder some of us are inclined to mate, perhaps violently, with Doctor Who.  Please do not watch us while we do this."

Keep going, I would like to hear just one more;

"Start with bacon.  Crispy, crispy bacon.  Add Pinferno to the bacon.  I cannot tell you what to do after this because I am starting to get choked up with emotions just thinking about the result of such a marriage.  Please turn the cameras off for a moment while I collect myself.  I feel ashamed and very vulnerable right now...  Do you know where there might be a Doctor Who that I could be alone with to console myself, just for a few minutes?  I promise to be gentle.  Firm, but gentle.  You may need to re-wax after I am done, incidentally.  Please forget I said that last part."

Oh well.

Let's do this thing; Pinferno V lays ahead of us gloriously.  May Pinferno V wash over all of us and remove our sins.  Except for the sins of mating with pinball machines, which we must proceed to have absolved elsewhere, probably in some dive-y hipster bar, thus beginning the cycle afresh.

~Sam T is the author of "The Pinferno Manifesto" and has published several electronic works appearing in your Spam box, and also on his blog which the Internet apparently doesn't know about yet even though it has been online since 2003.  Sam T's achievements include recently putting GC on the High Roller Casino at Max Fish, and also once getting to Lost In The Zone (LITZ) on a Twilight Zone that was admittedly suffering from dead slingshots at a Pizza Hut in St. Cloud, Minnesota about 15 years ago.  Remember the Dessert Pizza from Pizza Hut?  Sam T sure does.  Sam T also performed a Tour The Mansion and put High Score #3 on an Addams Family in front of a sellout crowd at Sharlene's Bar last Wednesday.  The sellout crowd consisted of one bartender.  The bartender was not actually paying any attention.  Sam T then swore at the Bride of Pinbot which was there, because it was suffering from semi-dead flippers and you can't even make the left ramp when it's like that.
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